Anti Zero

Show Me a Man

2011-11-23T14:21:00.002-07:00

Show me a man, be he short or tall, round or rail-thin,
Show me a man, be he a bedraggled hobo or a powerful executive,
Show me a man, be he black, white, green, or anything in between,
Show me a man, any man,
and I'll show you someone who will still laugh at fart jokes.

Raw Closure

2011-02-03T19:04:00.001-07:00

At first, the shock of loss
left me hollow, void.

I crawled inside myself,
insulated by my grief
and self-doubt and -pity.

It was all I could do to open
my eyes on a given morn.

A mere mention of you
felt like a scab,
newly hardened,
suddenly ripped away.

On the rare occasion of
public appearance,
I viewed the world through
narrowed eyes,
as though squinting into a sunrise.

This narrowed focus cost
more than could be forgiven.
Or so I thought.

Time wore on.
Days turned into weeks,
blurred into months.
Months became a year, then two.

Loss became my chrysalis.

The man I am now
does not recognize the man
I was as being the same self.

I'm not over it.
I've overcome it.
And damn, does it feel good.

Damn

2011-01-06T23:12:00.001-07:00

I blew it.
It hits me in the pit of my gut
Where it sits and grinds like a mill stone.
I search your eyes for a glimmer,
Any spark for hope,
But I can't see it...
Because I'm blinded by
Feelings of failure and despair
Or because it's truly gone,
I don't know...

Damn.

Bad Movies

2010-11-09T21:38:00.001-07:00

Let's get together
just you and me
and spend the night
watching bad movies.
Laughing at bad acting
groaning cuz they're so corny
just you and me
and a bunch of bad movies.

Old Bandages

2010-10-27T22:47:00.000-06:00

A heart, left bleeding in the wake of betrayal - partially mended by the healer called Time, loosely wrapped in old bandages desperately in need of changing, scabs continually ripping open and bleeding anew - cries out to be healed, mended forever, cared for and loved by one as if it were their own, to be held like a precious stone, to finally be whole.

(wrote this a while back, finally got around to posting it)

Bedtime Story

2010-08-11T08:56:00.001-06:00

I am lying in bed, staring at a three-quarter-moon, imagining the sandman playing peek-a-boo from the dark quarter.

He tosses a few grains of sand my way, just enough to lower my eyelids a shade, but then the pain flares and I'm awake again.

I shake my fist at the sandman, turn away from the window, and stare at the shadows of my room.

The bogeyman peeks out of the closet, and waves hello to the monster-under-the-bed. I give them both the stink-eye, and they shrink away.

I roll onto my back and stare at the ceiling. The stipple starts swirling, shadows shaping themselves into faces and such.

I imagine interesting interchanges between shadowy faces. I smile, just a small smile, and they fade away.

With my attention diverted, the sandman sidles up, out of my view, and doses me with potency.

The pain fades with my consciousness. My imagination falls with my eyelids, slipping into a world of infinites and possibilities, readily accepting the world of "Dream."

I wish I could say I don't miss you

2010-07-15T11:19:00.001-06:00

I wish I could say I don't miss you
That the sight of you doesn't wreck me
That hearing your voice doesn't break me

I wish I could say I don't miss you
That I don't catch your scent on
The merest hint of a breeze
And get swallowed up in memories

I wish I could say I don't miss you
That I don't wish for those days
That they're beginning to fade
Into a rose-coloured haze

I wish I could say I don't miss you

But I do

A rollercoaster week

2010-07-09T00:25:00.002-06:00

This week has been one of victory and defeat. High joy and bitter
disappointment. It's gone from smiles to frowns, laughter to almost-
tears. In other words, it's been a rollercoaster of a week.

So then, why am I writing? This is nothing new. These types of weeks
have come before, and they'll come again. It's Life. So what's
different about this one?

Well, I like to think I'm normally a pretty happy person. I'm a look
on the bright side, see the silver linings, glass half-full kinda guy.

But for some reason, this week is crushing me.

Physically, I'm beat up. Every morning I wake with new pains.
Everything from my neck to my ankles, wracked with pain. I pray for
the strength to grit through the pain, at least until I can crookedly
hobble to shower, where the hot water helps loosen tight muscles and
joints just enough for me to towel off and dress. And once I get
moving, I can't stop, or else my body seizes up.

Mentally, I'm stubborn as an ox. But if you whip an ox enough, it'll
move. And that's what's happening. My mental capacities are being
broken down, and reserves are low. Things that are out of my control,
that I can normally just shrug off with an "oh well, what can ya do?"-
type mentality, things like schedules changing, or having to break
plans, or even getting stuck in traffic, these things are really
eating at me this week. My mental discipline is cracking, and my
temper is being exposed (along with a flood of other emotions). You
might have never seen my real temper go odd, but please, take my word
for it, it's a scary beast that once woken, is very hard to put back
to sleep. I have built this wall of discipline around for very good
reasons.

Spiritually - this is where I'm feeling strongest. But I only say this
because it's my spirit, imbued with God's strength and resiliency,
that's keeping me going. My spirit is what rolls me out of bed in the
morning, and keeps me from going completely bonkers during the day.

And this is where I need you to come in.

I need you to pray for me. Pray for protection, because as I am being
weakened, the Enemy is attacking. Pray for strength, for my spirit to
withstand the pressing attacks. Pray for healing, that my body and
mind are restored. Pray for wisdom, to guide me along.

I am weak.

This is very hard for me to admit. Please allow the fact that I have
made this admission to press home the reality of this message.

In weakness, pain, and supplication,

-->Ryan

EAVB_TSXVHRSYPQ

Dust

2010-06-20T22:06:00.001-06:00

--more unfinished stuff--

My bitterness and shame turn into dust
And get swept away by your grace and your love

Memory Serves

2010-06-15T21:33:00.001-06:00

--this ain't finished yet, but I'm posting anyway--

Wishing life to be
As good as memory serves
Wasting time to see
What could've been
Maybe should've been
Instead of living life to be
Better than memory serves

[tbc...]

Mind's Eyes (pt I)

2010-06-01T22:19:00.001-06:00

When I was a child,
I would ask God for wings,
Thinking if only I could fly,
I wouldn't be afraid anymore.

So God opened my mind's eyes,
And they've taken me places where
Even wings fail to reach.
And when I fall,
I have only to dream,
And I'm soaring again.

Losing Control

2010-05-24T22:40:00.000-06:00

Holding on isn't a problem
It's letting go that's hard
Losing my grip on my self,
On my heart,
Is easier to preach
Than to do

It's time to let go
Of routine and control
Let the reins fall from my hands
Let's see where we land

Now I'm losing control of my heart
And it's crazy and scary and finally free
And I can't stop it...
Not that I want to

Love Metaphors (pt II)

2010-05-12T23:18:00.000-06:00

Love Metaphors (pt II)

I read once that love is a rushing wind
That carries one off to new and exciting places
Where adventures await and so does
Happily Ever After.
Well, you know what else comes with a rushing wind?
A tornado. And it leaves a swath of wreckage
Through cornfields and trailer parks
And lifts young girls to fantasy places
Where lions talk and tin men walk.
But then they click their heels
And find themselves at home,
Wondering if maybe it would've been better
To have just stayed in Oz.

**some people have asked why my view on Love seems so cynical. It's
not. This series of posts is just a commentary on metaphors used to
describe Love, and not Love itself. I actually hold a very Romantic
view on Love, which I reckon one can see through any other posts on
the subject.**

Love Metaphors (pt I)

2010-05-10T23:38:00.001-06:00

Love Metaphors (pt I)

I've heard it said that
Love is an ocean
Vast and deep and worth exploring
And it's true,
Love is an ocean worth sailing upon
But don't forget the temperamental side
That tosses and roils and smashes in on itself
From seemingly nowhere, without reason
Be smart with your cargo
And batten your hatches
Or it might all get swept overboard
And you along with it

Scabs

2010-04-26T23:05:00.000-06:00

To say my heart has scars
Is only partly true.
While yes, there are old wounds
That have healed over
And sealed shut,
There are others
That are merely scabbed over
That bleed anew with the
Slightest of jarring.
So yes, I have scars.
But it's the scabs that
Cause me worry.

An Outstretched Hand

2010-04-20T22:57:00.000-06:00

An Outstretched Hand

Freely given
Rarely received
Love awaits like an outstretched hand
Floating in the air
Ready to be held
Forever by your own

Choose joy

2010-04-16T07:20:00.000-06:00

Choose joy

I'm finding it difficult to choose joy today
Instead I'm focusing on the black inside
I'm feeling the weight of my world-weary Self
Pressing down on the shoulders of my spirit
I love to bring joy to people's lives
But today,
I need someone to bring joy into mine
Because even though I know it's already there
I'm struggling to embrace it

such love, so true

2010-04-09T11:40:00.000-06:00

my eyes weep with joy
knowing you sent your boy
to cover death's due -
such love, so true

my spirit smiles to know you call me "son"
my soul sings to hear you call me "friend"
my heart is filled with your love
such love, so true

Smurf You

2010-03-24T17:12:00.001-06:00

Smurf You

Holding on to joy
Letting go of pride
Forging bonds
Reinforcing ties
Looking forward
Letting go
Letting go
Letting go...

Grasping grace
Loving life
Living love

It's all freakin' hard sometimes.

But I smurfin' smurf you, you smurf, you.

Crapsticks

2010-03-16T20:10:00.003-06:00

This place is an emotional outlet, and emotional responses are one of the hazards of maintaining it. That said, I did not, in any way, mean to upset, offend, or otherwise hurt anyone with my last post, and I offer profuse apologies to anyone who was.

Frig. Dig up, Ryan. Or better yet, put the shovel away...

Sunday was a Failure

2010-03-15T21:50:00.001-06:00

Sunday was a Failure

For those who asked - I finally pegged the cause for calling this past
Sunday a crappy day. It's because so much of it was a capital-F
Failure, and I let it drag me down. And to top it off, a friend and I
had made plans to make our friend-gathering an "intentional night,"
where we bring up deeper discussion in order to foster growth and
maturation in our relationships with each other. But we let the night
get railroaded into another shallow, basically meaningless fun-night.
The worst part of it all is that I've heard more than just a couple of
us express the desire to go deeper, be more intentional, but no one
there seemed even remotely interested. Frustrating, to say the least.
Add it all up, and it's a big fat Failure.

There it is. Am I over it? Well, almost. I'm working on it, which is a
start. But hey, at least I'm writing again...

Some recent thoughts...

2010-03-14T21:13:00.002-06:00

Some recent thoughts...

I was going through some older writings, and found myself wishing I
could feel like that again. What does that say about my spiritual
state? About my focus? What has happened in the last 2 months that has
brought me from such a fantastic high point to this valley bordering
dispair? What has changed?

The only answer is "me". I've changed. But I don't recognize how. I
feel like the same person I was so many weeks ago. Whatever has
happened to me has to have been a subtle shift, a slight change, or
else I am completely blind to myself and might need an evaluation. I
don't know. But hey, if you do, tell me. I'll even enable anonymous
commenting for you.

Always

2010-03-06T22:50:00.001-07:00

Here I lay with body battered, spirit shattered, and heart exhausted. Weeks and months of believing I'm ridding the world of malevolent giants have revealed themselves to be nothing but tilting at windmills. My eyes have scaled over again; it is hard to see the blessings in this world anymore.

The wind stirs over me; its coolness brings faint reminders of what I've known... a whisper of memory, a yesterday so long ago. It brings the call of a name... is it mine? My reply is but a hoarse whisper passing from a parched throat through cracked lips. Again the breeze caresses my face...

No- it's not the wind. A rasp of skin on the stubble of my cheek and my eyelids crack open a sliver. A piercing silver light stabs at them, then fades into a softer, whiter aura of peace. I see a face above mine, a familiar shadow radiating love and grace.

It speaks softly, clearly - "Rest, my son..."

I croak back - "You're here..."

He smiles, and says - "Always."

Love

2010-02-13T15:22:00.001-07:00

Love

On the darkest of winter's nights
Your smile lights up my world
Like the full silver moon

On the greyest of winter's days
Your laugh brightens my mood
Like the newest spring blooms

Blizzards come, tempests rage
The earth revolts, yet you remain

My earnest foundation
My strength and resolve
My perfect companion

Love

A Tangent; or, Forget Fading

2010-02-04T17:45:00.001-07:00

A Tangent; or, Forget Fading

Forget fading into memory
Memories fade themselves
Blast yourself into History
Launch yourself into the Legendary

A Question; or, Big-Top Insanity

2010-02-02T21:51:00.001-07:00

A Question; or, Big-Top Insanity

Is it okay to be nervous
To reveal your humanity
Show you're not impervious
To this big-top insanity
Where the world can see
With Technicolor clarity
That the person you are
Is the one they don't want you to be?

Let it rage

2010-01-24T10:55:00.000-07:00

Bring me back into You
Let me never forget the feeling
Of the smile of Your blessing on me
Let me never get used to the wonder You stir
Never let me become complacent in Your glory
Stoke the fire of my love
Let it rage

Davidian Heart

2010-01-20T18:38:00.001-07:00

Davidian Heart

Nurture in me a Davidian heart
that pursues you with all parts
equally devoted to You whose art
is the fabric of nature.

Make me a man in whom You are pleased
refined by passages of toil and unease
granted by The Blood a full release
from the weight of my despair.

Rain Your blessings upon my soul
forever saved, remade whole
by the grace that lovingly flows
from He who has risen.

In time of glory or times of strife
through all that happens in this life
may all that's in me ever strive
to bring praises to You.

27 and Counting

2010-01-20T08:59:00.001-07:00

Me: "Hey God, y'know what would be great?"

God: "Well, yes, I do. But why don't you tell me anyway?"

Me: "It'd be great if I could get a new place to live, and a new job,
all by my birthday. Think we can work something out?"

God: "Hmm, I think that's do-able. Anything else in mind?"

Me: "Well, yeah, kinda, but let's just work on these 2 for right now,
'kay?"

God: " 'kay."

And so I find myself here, on my birthday, getting ready to move into a new place, and having just accepted a position with a new employer.

Times are a-changing, but you won't hear me complaining.

Barely a fool

2010-01-16T17:43:00.001-07:00

A start -

The pain of my heart
Laid bare in my face
I bring it to you
And ask for your grace

Lead me back home
Away from this fear
Forever, oh Lord,
Keep holding me near

Where you take me from here
I have no clue
For compared to your wisdom
Lord, I am barely a fool

Openness

2010-01-15T00:29:00.000-07:00

Openness

For those who have noticed a change in what I've been posting lately
(if you exist), there is a reason behind it. I have decided to fully
commit myself to experiencing all that God has planned for me. I have
always been a spiritual person, but it's really only in the last
couple of years that I have decide to truly explore these things, and
now I find myself throwing everything I am into living a life more
devoted to God. I have received so many blessings, so much love and
guidance and supernatural intercession since making this decision that
it makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever to turn back. God is
real, He is in charge, and now, publically in the most open forum I
know, I make my stand and say, "Everything I have, everything I am,
everything I will be, is Yours God. Take me, break me, heal me, love
me. Open the floodgates of Heaven and rain Your glory on me. Fill me
to overflowing with Your Spirit. Amen."

Isaiah 64:1 "Oh that you would burst from the heavens and come down!
The mountains would quake at your presence!"

1 Corinthians 2:9 "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has
imagined what God has prepared for those who love Him."

Mark 5:36 "Don't be afraid. Just have faith."

Love Poetry

2010-01-14T18:06:00.000-07:00

Love Poetry

So much You've done for me
Healed me, raised me up,
Poured out so much grace
And love overwhelming

I turn to what I know best
To try bring thanks,
But You've filled me so full
This love is hard to express

Everything I have
Is because of You
And so everything I am
I bring back to You

To a Love so amazing,
A love so perfect,
A Love so divine.

Your love brings kings to their knees
Your love brings freedom to slaves
Your love unshackles prisoners
This love You've shared with me

How do I possibly say how much,
How perfectly,
How firmly Your love has shaken me?

How do I tell You how honestly,
How deeply,
How fiercely I love You?

Because I do.

A Quickening

2009-12-25T00:17:00.000-07:00

The canvas of my mind explodes
Swirling shades, hues and tones
Co-mingling and covering this dreamscape
Choosing form and taking shape
At once familiar, yet strikingly new
And it turns, as if on cue,
My heartbeat quickens -
For it is You.

Petulance

2009-12-10T16:01:00.001-07:00

Fortune smiled and showed the way
Fortune smiled and I said no thanks
Fortune smiled, but I turned away

The light turned on and I closed my eyes
The light was shone and I covered up
The light burned bright, I turned to night

I built myself up, you tore me back down
I ran far away, you were already there
I tried to hide, but you found me

I accepted your love then threw it away
I accepted your life then left it behind
I accepted your grace then spit in its face

Heart

2009-12-08T19:22:00.001-07:00

Heart

Help me right this heart
Bring me into your love
Take me in
Swirl me in the vortex of your love
Pull me
Twist me
Turn me upside down
In the vortex of your love

I'm falling outside again
I need to be brought back in
You suck me into the middle of
The vortex of your love

Bring me to the perfect center
Surround me
Shield me
Hold me
In the vortex of your love

Infrequent update time!

2009-12-08T17:24:00.002-07:00

Snow Fort Blues

"Saw some kids building a fort out of snow
Tried givin'em props but they turned just turned up their nose
Now my pride is carrying a mighty big bruise
and I'm singin' these dang ol' snow fort blues!"

*Jam it out*

"It's bad enough that it's dang cold outside
but these snow fort blues are a blow to my pride.
Gotta ramp up my game, step up the pace,
So I can rub my fort in those rotten kids' face!"

*Take it home*

written for Mike, who got sassed by some kids building a snow fort.

Commando

2009-06-20T10:22:00.000-06:00

Bob - "How far are you willing to go to get a reaction?"

Dave - "Well, I went commando to my grad..."

Bob - "How original. Lots of people do that. 'Hey guys, I'm not wearing anything underneath my gown!"

Dave - "You guys had gowns?"

So stupid, it might just work...

2009-06-17T16:14:00.002-06:00

Cast

- Man, secretly in love with...
- Woman
- Friends (male and female)

Part 1 - Party, everyone

Woman & Friends, talking about boys
Man & Friend in corner, chatting

1 - What about Kenny?
2 - He's cute...
Woman - But he smells like cheese.
1- Then what about Man?
Woman (laughs) - I'd have to be crazy to be with him!

Man (overhears, to 3) - I have a plan...
3 (confused) - For what?
Man - To get the woman of my dreams.
3 (amused, sarcastic)- Oh yeah? How so?
Man - Oh, you'll see...

Part II, later in the week
Man
Woman
Friends, in background

Man (to 3) - Here we go
walks up to Woman, starts waving a large rose in front of her face, saying - Woooooo! WoooOOOOoo!
Woman - What are you doing?
Man - Wooing you! Woooo...
Woman - Well, stop!
Man woos on
Woman - Stop it! What are you doing?!
Man - Wooing you to me! WooooOOOooOo...
Woman - Stop it! It's driving me crazy!
Man stops - So is that a "yes"?
Woman confused - What? Yes what?
Man - You said you'd have eto be crazy to be with me. Well, I've driven you crazy... so will you go out with me now?
Woman (speechless)
Friends are all standing, mouths open, disbelief
3 starts roaring with laughter - ATTABOY!

Fin

a dream

2009-05-19T14:11:00.002-06:00

I had a dream about you.
It was comforting.
It was safe.
It was needed.

It was a flash dream -
a vivid moment in a
rush of images that
managed to embed itself
in my memory.

A single moment that
I wish to last forever.
It was perfect.
It was pure.
It was love.

Syncopated Abandon

2009-04-18T00:08:00.000-06:00

Taut, rough
skins beneath my fingers
slapping opens and rims
with syncopated abandon
Lifting, lilting
driving the force of emotion
through air, time, hearts and stone walls
shivering timbers and shaking foundations
expressing love and pain with equal measure
throwing joy and sadness into kinship
One moment the softest of beds
next the coldest of steel
Driving for one purpose
To share how I feel

Scratch Pad Musing

2009-04-15T21:24:00.000-06:00

Futility attaches itself to those who refuse to bend when the winds of change blow in their face.

Now I Know (pt III)

2009-04-10T11:11:00.000-06:00

It was lust and pride,
not love, inside,
always headed
for failure, and it
hit it in full stride.

Now I Know (pt II)

2009-04-08T22:43:00.000-06:00

A catalyst for growth and pain
A needed element for a season of change
Doomed from the start by a misleading heart
Needing to be broken to be faced with itself

Now I Know (pt I)

2009-04-06T21:14:00.002-06:00

Time heals all.
But what then,
if Time stalls?

I tell myself to move on
and my mind stretches to replace you
but my heart isn't in it.

Fighting Awake

2009-04-03T19:39:00.001-06:00

Thoughts of past choices and actions
bring full consequence to bear
the loss of potentials
failed opportunities

Now I fight myself awake
Away from dreams of things that will never be
a future that will never exist

Rising Moonlight

2009-02-15T20:06:00.003-07:00

The fading sunlight blends into the night
in the high sky overhead
deep blues into reds

I'll walk into the rising moonlight of this life
towards the end of my narrow road
heading home

End it already

2009-02-09T18:00:00.002-07:00

Why must you suffer?
Why be a martyr?
No need to say goodbye
Just roll over and die

Just end it already
Stop being so petty
Don't have to be pretty
To start the funeral ditty

The Blessed

2008-12-23T21:29:00.001-07:00

The Blessed give to those who need
and hearing cries of hurt, take heed

The Cursed turn away in disgust
and wallow in their shallow distrust

It's the little things...

2008-12-05T07:00:00.002-07:00

sin

2008-11-16T00:10:00.000-07:00

I'm no hero, nor a saint
just not prone to cry or faint
when confronted with the Taint

the curse of duality
the cause of cruality
the stain of humanity
-- sin

Betrayal

2008-11-06T15:35:00.003-07:00

When I opened my Heart
and welcomed you in
I did not know
you were an Assassin
Now Dark Emotion
rages within

How could I have known
the damage you'd rend?
This was not a Betrayal, for
you were never my Friend

Now cold and collected
I plot patient revenge
and I pledge this oath
hear it, Oh Heaven!
As I stand in these ashes
Never Again!

You'll feel my Pain
you'll live my Regret
there'll be no Betrayal -
you were never my Friend.

Head of the Road

2008-10-03T23:29:00.002-06:00

hooded ancients

2008-07-14T11:04:00.000-06:00

I feel the power rushing over me
the blood of the Ancients pulsing through me veins
tapping the unknown cosmic forces that
rule our existence and guide our lives.

There is no wall that can hold me
no chain can bind me
only those with the Knowledge
can hinder me now

but they are oblivious
to my current state.

Euro 2008

2008-06-09T10:38:00.001-06:00

Deutschland vor, noch ein Tor

What to say?

2008-04-16T17:29:00.003-06:00

Just cuz it's funny

2008-04-10T07:20:00.000-06:00

Somewhere not called "home"

2008-02-23T21:17:00.003-07:00

on the road / some place I don't know / it's cold and lonesome / and god-forsaken / why go there / it ain't worth the time / just stay here with me / I don't know why you want to be / half the world away and be / somewhere that ain't called "home".

all-or-nothing

2008-01-25T15:42:00.000-07:00

I know I haven't written in a while. I've been busy, living and loving life. Met some great people over the past few months. Turned 25. Bought a car. Things are looking up at work. Is there any wonder I haven't written? I'm fairly certain that most of you friends who read this are now Facebook friends as well, so I feel even less of an obligation to post. Oh well, I guess this little world suffers when its generally moody creator gets a fit of happiness. Shucks, eh? Well, I like it. So tough beans. (heh)

I think it's almost time for a "Best Of". A "Greatest Hits", if you will. But not quite yet. I have more things I want to take care of first.

Indeed, Marv, these are the "all-or-nothing days"; unfortunately, you got the Nothing, and I'm reaping the All. Such is life, for now.

Splitsville, baby

2007-12-07T15:40:00.000-07:00

This passion born of lustful pride
like the rest before has burned and died
to leave a shallow, hollow husk
of crumbling will and shattered trust
now loathe to follow through the vow
once sworn in faith with sweat on brow
turn to law and law divides
lost dignity and then decides
it's half for each should the Lady smile
too often less, leaving spirits vile
false Christmases filled with repressed spite
leading toward yet another fight
repetition persisting through
as time grows on and cycles new

The Grey

2007-11-04T22:38:00.000-07:00

The key to expression is hidden
deep in the grey recesses of memory
where it is nervously flitting back and forth
cowering between and behind others of its kind
memories that serve as both guides and distractions
weaving an intricate labyrinth of false opportunity
resulting in hair-tearing frustration and a
profound feeling of utter uselessness
until one moment the key missteps
you grasp it with desperate fingers
pulling it into full remembrance
and molding it to fit the space
reserved for that one last
perfect word.

Well, hey.

2007-10-29T15:15:00.000-06:00

At least the Red Sox came through.

Reciprocation, at last.

I'm in a bad mood

2007-10-22T15:40:00.000-06:00

and it shows.

I'm tired of jack-assery. There is so much more that can be taken from life without someone (me included) playing the part of the fool. I'm tired of coming home and tripping over shoes. I know, it's such a menopausal thing to get pissed over, but for a guy with a bum leg, it can cause some consternation. Especially when there's acres of space in front of the closet. I'm also tired of political correctness. Sure, there's a big fancy name for everything now, but a bum is still a bum, they still beg for your change with a lit cigarette burning between the fingers of their outstretched hand.

I'm tired of the Oilers losing because the guys in suits make stupid decisions.

I'm tired of my beard. Go Red Sox.

I'm tired of being sick, and sick of being tired, and soooooo done with hurting it's not even funny. But apparently it's gonna be this way for the next thousand and some years, or until I get tired of living, so I guess I'll just have to deal with it. Frick.

I'm tired of being the one who has to think up fancy words. I have a minor in English Language Arts; that means I understand how to use the language to the fullest. That doesn't mean I always do.

I'm tired of 'friends' and 'family' that take and take and take and make a person feel like such downright garbage that they just want to find a gutter and lay there for a while.

I'm tired of not teaching. I want to teach. My goal is to have 1 person figure out this "Common Sense" thing before I die. So far, I'm batting .000 .

I'm tired of not being able to say what needs to be said. Hell yes I can write it, and I can make it sound like it's the Word of Heaven if I want to, but actually saying it.... not so much.

I'm tired of being single. But not too tired that I'm going to go out there and latch onto the first broad that crosses my path. I'll never be that tired.

I'm tired of writing.

A dream

2007-09-28T09:38:00.000-06:00

I was in a small town in Italy, walking down the street with a good friend of mine, we were just talking about random things, looking at the houses as we passed... Out of nowhere I looked at her and said "Hey, wanna go on a date some time?" She looked at me, a ghost of a smile on her lips, and a look in her eyes that can't be described. "I had to say it, get it off my chest, so maybe I could get a bit of sleep one of these nights." As we kept walking, she took my hand in hers and led me to a small house where we could hear some old music playing; we went inside and just started dancing (a Foxtrot, of all dances). Time stood still in that moment, amd it seemed as if everything were dancing to the rhythm of a Foxtrot - the music, Us, the villagers outside... it was beautiful.

*** *** *** *** ***

I don't have beautiful dreams that often (or I don't remember them). I'm very happy I had this one.

Stall

2007-09-25T16:12:00.000-06:00

I'm falling into that pit of despair
and the only way I know how to deal with it
effectively
is to write
But I keep stalling
waiting
finding ways to procrastinate
maybe they'll come back in time
and I can put my mask back on
and fake my way through
without ever dealing with you
my demon

Scraps

2007-09-12T19:29:00.000-06:00

the new wave of death rises and fall with a pointless devotion to an endless vagarity

brother versus brother versus the Father's will plays on the news while the spaghetti boils

keepers of secrets are just those who lack the fortitude to accept consequence

the air is foul with the stench of complacency

this is the name for our newfound insanity

the link between the past and the future is being take for granted

silence abandons all hope

the life of a revolution is too dependent on the lives of the people involved

turn a cheek, get another slap

this path is not hard to follow -
how hard can it be to wrap your head around Straight?
how hard is it to understand Narrow?

cease your existence - LIVE

truth hits like a shotgun blast to the face, flaying the layers of lies and masks to reveal the pulsing and ugly structure underneath

the words "I don't know" should infuriate you by now; so why am I not hearing anything?

so be it.

Forget body language and hints, just say it already

2007-08-03T15:37:00.000-06:00

Grin on your face
bounce in your step
sparkling eyes
as you pick up the check

she rolls her eyes
behind your back
makes mental notes
of the things that you lack

dude...
she's just not into you

you call all the time
"leave a message" again
exactly what you do,
over and again

she calls you back once
"yeah I'm busy this week"
probably crazy at work,
is what you think.

dude...
she just not into you

So Long

2007-06-10T15:19:00.000-06:00

The soundtrack for that night was the slam of a car door, closely followed by ignition and the fading sounds of motion. After that, silence, broken only by the hum of a street lamp.

I felt every second of the next morning. The afternoon weighed so heavily on my shoulders that my manager sent me home early. The evening gave a moment's respite: a fleeting glimpse of the other side as the home team won. The night was spent watching the ceiling fan rotate, wondering I would do if it fell. Probably nothing. I felt so numb that the prospect of having an appliance fall on my manhood elicited nothing more than... well, nothing.

You can only ignore things for so long before you lose them forever.

Either that, or they blow up in your face.

That would've been preferable.

At least then I'd know where we stand.

Randomizer - Engage!

2007-06-05T15:40:00.001-06:00

I just realized I've been doing this for over 2 years now... I thought dudes were supposed to be afraid of commitment?

***********************************************

My little brother (little? well, he's wiry... and shorter than me... yeah, little) is into barefoot running now. Apparently it's gaining quite a following; supposed to improve technique, prevent injury, blah blah blah.... I've been going barefoot since I was knee-high to a short horse, and I could care about my running technique - it's all about comfort.

I hereby initiate a protest against socks! If you don't have to wear them, DON'T! (Christine, make sure the kids know! It's never too early to start!)

***********************************************

I've joined Facebook. Why? I dunno... well, I do know. I was sick for 2 weeks with some crappy mc-crapperson infection in my lungs and sinuses, so I got bored. But that's no excuse; it's not even a reason. Why am I saying this? Cuz it's random....

***********************************************

It's really really ridiculously hot in my apartment. 11th floor, middle of downtown, no ac, no blinds. Swell...

***********************************************

I'm still single. Have been for all but about a year of my life (combined total). Why? It's easier this way. Also, waaaayyy cheaper.... I'd like to get married, have kids, all that jazz, but I left home first, so I figure my brother should get married first. Which probably means I'll be single for quite some time yet.... (that's right, I went there!)

***********************************************

It got really dark really fast just now... it's definitely gonna rain. Hopefully a thunderstorm. I likes the thunder, and the lightning. So cool....

***********************************************

Even Jesus Cried

2007-06-02T01:03:00.000-06:00

Footsteps, followed by an "Are you okay?"

He looked up, "Oh yeah, everything is just beautiful!"

She was a little taken aback by the sudden onslaught of sarcasm. "Oh, uh, okay then."

He put his face back in his hands, certain she would walk on.

"It's just not every day one sees a grown man sitting on a park bench crying."

"Really? One would think a person like you might've encountered it more than once in her lifetime."

Assaulted again with the scathing sarcasm, she decided to take the offensive.

"Listen buddy, I'm out here walking along, all of a sudden here you are crying, I offer compassion and all you can do it bark at me? What kind of person are you?"

Caught with his guard down, he puts his hands over his face again.

"Apparently a real shit-heel."

Compassion restored, she sat beside him.

"Why?"

He looked at her and cocked an eyebrow.

"I don't think you really want to listen."

She just looked at him; he looked away.

"Fine. The week started off terribly, with some of my supposed 'friends' apparently angry with me, then work was not exactly the be- oh come on, you really want to hear this?"

Now she cocked an eyebrow.

"You've already started; might as well finish."

He sighed.

"Fair enough. So work wasn't all that great, although it did pick up as the week went on (pretty much the only bright spot of it all). Then things started to look up, when all of a sudden I get asked questions like, 'Are you going to this event', 'why are you here and not with your friends'... those type of things. So I check my phone, because I sometimes get busy and engrossed and miss calls, or forget to turn up the ringer after work, but nope! No calls. Nothing. Shunned by the very people I thought were my friends. Add to that I'm still new to the city, have no way to get around other than my feet, unless I rely on a 'friend', and you have a pretty handy recipe for despair."

She nodded.

"I can see how you might think that way. But why are you letting it get you so down?"

His body shuddered, and his shoulders sank.

"I'm only human. I can only bear so much. There is so much more that I've left out, that I can't tell you because I don't know you and because I fear its simplicity and it's foolishness. It weighs so heavily on my shoulders; add to my masochistic penchant for being a listening and leaning post for people, and you can see why. There are so many emotions swirling around in my head, in my heart, in my soul... and right now they're feeding this demon Despair, the fattest one of them all."

She thought for a silent moment.

"That's very interesting, the way you word it. 'The fattest one'. Why would you say that?"

He grinned a little, not out of amusement, but because there was simply no other expression to be made.

"That's easy. Of all the World's troubles, of all its sins, the only one that could make Jesus cry was Despair. We have evidence for all of his ordeals - the 'trials', the beatings, the actual crucifixion - Jesus took them all remarkably well. But it was when His Father had to hide His face, turn His back on Jesus, and let Him die... it was when Jesus realized that His friends had left him, His Father had forsaken him.... it was then that He cried."

13 degrees and cloudy

2007-05-18T15:29:00.000-06:00

view the star as it burns out
scorch your eyes so you can't cry about
the pain and suffering you're enduring
because God knows it completely unnerving
witnessing the end of it all
realizing the sky's about to fall
thinking of the people you need to call
but only able to work the pistol
the sweat disgusts you
it's completely soaked through
you ache for a cooling breeze
(it's only 13 degrees, and cloudy)
drink a toast before you die
so you can say " 'twas I"
when asked by the On-High

But

2007-05-08T22:04:00.000-06:00

If you go around apologizing for every imperfection, when will you have the breath to sing?

If you ask forgiveness for every slight and comment, how you gonna praise the worthy?

If you try to hide the black and disgusting,
If you waste your time with backtracks and prostrating,
If you spend your life begging on your knees,
How far do you think it's gonna get?

A Reflection, Pt. IV

2007-04-26T14:10:00.000-06:00

"It took me decades
to find that one good part
of me, the one that makes
all the crap I've done worth it.

And I killed it.

I took its beautiful face in my hands,
kissed it gently goodbye,
and sent it to whatever comes next.

Why would I do that?"

How could I answer that?

"I knew her for a grand total of 3 minutes.
3 minutes, Padre.
Not even long enough for a smoke, but
long enough to learn her name,
have that talk, and kill her."

Silence then, the kind of silence that only comes from condemned men. I waited.

"Death, I understand. Killing, I understand.
But that's complete. Total. Not pieces of something.
When I kill someone, there's nothing left.
Just like I know when they put that needle in my arm,
there'll be nothing left. That doesn't mean anything to me;
it's how things are. Live, work, die."

That's when it started to come together for me. How he was captured; the trial; the look on his face when he was sentenced. It wasn't a look of silent fear that came over him; it was a look of silent relief. He had wanted to be caught; he had wanted the death penalty. There was nothing that the world could do to him that was in any way worse than what he had done to himself.

"For the first time in a long time, I feel glad - no,
happy about something. I'm actually happy."

Interesting. "How so?"

"I'm happy this is finally over."

Just as I was about to speak, he stood up; the warden and guards were at the door, waiting to take him down his final path.

"Don't worry, Padre, me and her will give ol' Lucy a helluva time for ya. Ha! 'Helluva time'... that's a good joke, boys, you should write that one down..."

One Month Apart

2007-04-23T22:37:00.000-06:00

I am floating
lost out at sea
an ocean of emptiness
surrounding me
I feel so lost
out of control
Lord I need help
I feel so alone

I am helpless
I am weak
I am bitter
so I weep
Into your hands
I place my spirit
wounded and tired
of having to bear it
alone and so far
I haven't a clue
how to go on
apart from you

this might've been posted once before, but I don't really care

2007-03-22T20:43:00.000-06:00

there is someone watching
there is someone listening
who knows it all

there is someone waiting
there is someone guarding
to catch you when you fall

a shadow in the dark
a shimmer in the light
looking over your shoulder
not seeing, but feeling

a presence unknown
benign, you hope,
malign, you fear,
it's never shown

going no further,
until it's all over,
then you see
you should've been looking forward,
not over your shoulder

there is someone crying
there is someone holding
you when all crashes down

there is someone laughing
there is someone smiling
when you reach your crown

..heh...

2007-02-28T18:52:00.001-07:00

The randomness I happen to see
Watching people over the week

The guy who tries to look cool
and attempts to hock a loog
but gets more on himself than
on the ground
and quickly looks to see if
anyone's around....

A man and a woman on a blind date:
"I'm Rosemary, hi."
"I'm Basil, after you..."
And you might think otherwise,
but the rest was pretty bland and sedate...

A student of the bus gets up for a senior,
bumps into the man in the aisle
who slides into the seat just before
the old man gets there...

The guy you meet on the street,
it's snowing, blowing and cold,
he's shivering in a thin sweater
because he just gave his coat away.

He asks you for some change for a coffee,
and you'd give it to him, this time, anyway,
but you just used it for bus fare...

The little girl crying because
they just traded her hockey hero
away... she says she'll never
wear his number on her jersey no more,
to which her daddy says,

It's not his fault; he wanted to stay;
he wanted to play, especially for kids like you...

even though her daddy's feeling the same way as she...

the same way as me...

No

2007-02-26T17:55:00.001-07:00

What makes you think you can do what you do? Eat more pills buddy, you're fading fast. You bitch and moan about how your life sucks because you have no friends. Well no shit. If you took some time off work once or twice a week, called someone you knew, you might make a friend or two. But only for a short while, because you're so fricken anal you'll end up trying to "improve" them, have them "take control of their life", because it's not going according to the plan YOU think it should be. You don't want friends. You don't want a room mate. You don't want a girlfriend. You want a fucking robot, something that will take your commands and immediately alter its programming to follow your fucking "suggestions". "I wonder about what's going on in your life"? What's going on in YOURs, fuck-skull? Oh yeah, NOTHING, because you're ALWAYS FUCKING WORKING. It doesn't piss me off that you're gone all the time; what pisses me off is that YOU CHOOSE that way of life, then WONDER WHY YOU'RE SO LONELY!!! FUCK! Take a step back, buddy! Look at what you're doing! You have NO TIME for other people! And you wonder why you're so horny!!

FUCK!

And then you cancel your fucking newspaper subscription, and then blame ME for stealing your paper? I DON'T EVEN READ THE FUCKING NEWSPAPER!!!!

But you'd know that if you were ever around.

Then after you flip out and falsely accuse me of random things, accuse my parents (??!?) of being bad parents (projecting much?), and be an all-around fuck-nut screwball, you come meekly back and ask for forgiveness and say how much you're sorry and how can it be repaid.... IT CAN'T. Get over it.

God's calling you to be a leader?? Leaders need to be humble. You are not humble. You may think you're humble, but that's just another one of your delusions.

I won't be a scapegoat for your vices. I refuse to take the blame for your inadequacies. You're an adult now; time to act like one.

God, give me strength to endure this month.... God, give me strength to endure this week... God, give me strength to endure the rest of today...

what??!?

2007-02-19T18:17:00.000-07:00

I watched the beginning of the All-Star game yesterday.

Wayne Newton = shat.

Not "THE shat." Just plain shat.

Dissection time!

1: His face

The dude has a plastic face! He could hardly move his mouth in time with the words! And that plasticine smile is enough to inspire nightmares! [!!!shudder!!!] This brings me to

2: His singing

Why do people think he's such a good singer? I can't see... mostly because HE WASN'T SINGING! He was merely moving his over-bloated smile in time with the words! I wasn't sure at first, but the "grand finale" clinched it --> the words went "Yeah!" ~ a beat and a 1/2 before he did...

3: His instrumentalism

I may have just invented the word, but regardless, it was ridiculous. Worse than Colin Mochrie (sp? who cares...) as the Snack Fairy. Well, I actually think that's funny, but funny "ha ha", not funny "what the hell is he trying to do?", which is what Newton's instrumentalism was. I don't think his guitar even had strings on it! Listen dude, if you're gonna air-guitar, at least move your left hand. Holding it in one position while flailing around with the right just looks dumb. And don't ever pick up a fiddle again. Disgraceful.

4: His face (yes, again!)

Look, Wayne(ker), if they can put it in you, they can take it out. Get them to take out 2/3 of the crap you've had injected in your cheeks, and at least you'll lose the "chipmunk-hoarding-for-the-winter" look. It just makes you look like a fool. I know you're supposed to be an entertainer, but the only thing I found entertaining about the opening ceremonies was the announcer's name embellishment.

***************************************************************************

Well, that was messy. Time to clean up and go play hockey.

P/R

2007-02-08T16:53:00.001-07:00

-->With freedom comes responsibility; with rights come responsibilities; with experience come responsibility (anyone else see a pattern here?)

-->Success is mere perspective

-->"I think of a hero as someone who understands the degree of responsibility that comes with his freedom." - Bob Dylan

-->Failure is based on conjecture

-->With independence comes responsibility. With citizenship comes responsibility. With power comes responsibility (how about now?)

--> Happiness can be purchased

--> Responsibility is an extension of a very old concept - honour. Back in the day, it was your responsibility to uphold your honour, your family's honour, your woman's honour... These days we remember the responsibility part, but it seems we've left the honour part (the most important part) in the dust of ages past

-->Contentment comes from within

--> With action comes responsibility. With delegation comes responsibility. With emotion comes responsibility. With marriage, with birth, with position...[ad inf.] comes responsibility (see it yet?)

For those who care...

2007-01-25T19:03:00.000-07:00

twitch

2007-01-22T20:33:00.001-07:00

over there

2007-01-19T13:10:00.002-07:00

Anxiety forms concerning the scarcity of dreams
Burning knowledge of what awaits
Sets one on edge, keeps him awake,
Anything now to not hear the screams

Souls lost from love's light
not yet gone and never forgotten
linger and torment the one
betrodden,
beriddled by guilt over
so much blood spilt

Truth vs Want

2007-01-19T13:10:00.001-07:00

The Greater Good is delivered and reviewed in the sanctity of dreams, revealed in visions, some may say delusions, but those who would are those who are threatened, or perceive an immediacy of threat -- they are the status quo, and therefore the "obvious" targets beyond which the truth is hidden and only precision of mind and celerity of action can bring it forth.

Truth does not obfuscate. We are being trained not to see it.

"Those that hunt for the truth are destined to find it." I disagree, Nigel. They are less likely to find it -- "it" being the complete, unabashed, unabridged, unadulterated truth. Oh, of course they'll always find something; I bring to light a recent experience of hunting for car keys and finding change enough for bus fare. What I found will still get me somewhere, but it wasn't what I was looking for. What truth-seekers find is all-too-often the merest fragment of truth surrounded by enough candy-coated plausibility to make it seem whole, and therefore fool the seeker into settling for a couple of doubloons and a rusty cutlass when there's an overflowing chest of riches mere feet away.

Just beware that the treasure-hole being dug doesn't turn out to be a grave. Shore up the walls of the tunnel, or else come prepared for your funeral.

You can't con a con

2007-01-15T15:39:00.001-07:00

On 1/14/07, Mrs. Harley Cowell wrote:

The National Lottery
P O Box 1010
Liverpool, L70 1NL UNITED KINGDOM
(Customer Services)
Ref: UK/9420X2/68
Batch: 074/05/ZY369
www.lottery.co.uk
http://lottery.co.uk/res/

Dear Lucky Winner,

We are pleased to notify you the draw (999) of the UK NATIONAL LOTTERY,
Online Sweepstakes International Lottery Program held on Wednesday 3
January 2007.

Participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from
a pool of over 25,000 names of distinguished professionals drawn from
Europe, America, Asia, Australia, New Zealand, Middle-East, parts of
Africa, and North & South America as part of our international promotions
programme conducted annually to encourage prospective overseas entries.
We hope with part of your prize awards, you will take part in our
subsequent lottery jackpots.

The result of our computer draw (#978) selected your name and email
address attached to e-ticket number: 56475600545 188 with Serial number
5368/02 drew the lucky numbers: 04, 06, 30, 36, 43, 44, (20 Bonus Ball),
which subsequently won you the lottery in the 2nd category i.e. match 5
plus bonus. You have therefore been approved to claim a total sum of
£1,200,000 (ONE MILLION AND TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND POUNDS STERLING) in
cash credited to file KTU/9023118308/03.This is from a total cash prize of
£7,200,000 GBP shared amongst the first Six (6) lucky winners in this
category i.e. Match 5 plus bonus.

Your prize award has been insured in your name and is ready for claims.
To begin your claims therefore, you are advised to expeditiously
contact our licensed and accredited claim agent for Overseas Lottery Winners
within a period of 21 days (date of this email inclusive) for the
processing of your winning and remittance to your designated bank account
after all statutory obligations have been satisfactorily dispensed with.

This promotion takes place weekly. Please note that your lucky winning
number falls within our European booklet representative office in
Europe as indicated in your play coupon. In view of this, your £1,200,000
(ONE MILLION AND TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND POUNDS STERLING) would be released
to you by any of our payment offices in Europe.

Please be informed that claims not processed within the stipulated
period may be forfeited to the pool without further notice.

Our European agent will immediately commence the process to facilitate
the release of your funds as soon as you contact him. You may wish to
establish contact via e-mail with the particulars presented below citing
the batch and reference numbers to this letter between the hours of
8.00am - 9.30pm on Monday through Sunday.

UK NATIONAL LOTTERY CLAIMS APPLICATION FORM--(Prize Winning Receipt)
========================================================================================

[FULL NAME
OFWINNER]............................................................

[CURRENTADDRESS]...........................................
....................

[COUNTRY/REGION].............
..................................................

[STATE/PROVINCE]................................................................

[AGE]
................................................................................

[SEX]...........................................................................

[MARTIAL
STATUS]................................................................

[OCCUPATION]..
.................................................................

[CURRENT
EMAIL].................................................................

[TEL/FAX].......................................................................

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ENTRY WINNING INFORMATION
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[ENTRY TICKET NUMBER]..................................

[DRAW DATE]......................................................

CLAIMANTSIGNATORY DECLARATION
===================================================================================

I,.....................................................HEREBY DECLARE
THAT I HAVE NEVER RECIEVED ANY SETTLEMENT FROM THE NATIONAL LOTTERY
PROMOTION WINNING NOR HAVE ANY MEMBER OF MY FAMILY FILED CLAIMS ON MY
BEHALF TO THE NATIONAL LOTTERY ORGANISATION. I, THEREFORE ASK THE UK
NATIONAL LOTTERY COMPANY TO ACT ON MY BEHALF IN THE PROCESSING AND THE
TRANSFER OF MY PRIZE AS INSTRUCTED BY ME.
====================================================================================

Overseas Claims Unit
United Kingdom Lottery Fiduciary
Contact Person: Dr. Samuel Bevan
Email: uknlclaimsagent01@yahoo.com
Tel: +44-701-421-8344
+44-701-421-8319
+44-701-421-8316

Our winners are assured of the utmost standards of confidentiality, and
press anonymity until the end of proceedings, and beyond where they so
desire. Be further advised to maintain the strictest level of
confidentiality until the end of proceedings to guard against problems
associated with fraudulent claims. This is part of our precautionary measure to
avoid double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this program.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Yours Faithfully,
Mrs. Harley Cowell,
Online coordinator for UK NATIONAL LOTTERY Program.

RyeGuy Says:

#1: I'm not a distinguished professional. I'm unemployed.

#2: Any idiot with half a brain goes to the National Lottery website, and finds out that one cannot play the lottery w/o a sterling bank account or trusted friend in the UK, of which I have neither.

#3: If your "claims agent" was part of the UK National lottery, wouldn't he be using an email account that ended with "@lottery.co.uk", or another European account, and not "@yahoo.com"? pretty rookie mistake there, bub.

#4: One cannot win a lottery if one has not entered. Dur....

"What time is it? January? What the hell?"

2007-01-04T13:51:00.001-07:00

So what's happened in the last year? Too much, and not enough. The only thing that really matters right now is what's happened in the last week-ish, mainly, packing up everything and moving. I'd found a place to stay, sweet rent, nice location, nice place.... but no job. And it turns out that I have to wait until Monday to find one, because the people I need to talk to get regular teacher's holidays, even though they're administration. Ah well, that just gives me an extra week to veg and get acclimated (seriously, it was +5 yesterday. ridiculous.) Anyways, this pretty much wraps up the one "blog" entry I do per year. So... here. Let's balance this out...

cratered

2006-12-12T20:57:00.000-07:00

gaze inward, fall to your knees,
the height of your heart's defenses
lifts your eyes to heaven
they start to bleed
as you begin to plead

don't go blindly into this fight,
for there you'll be ensnared in the Devil's plight
trying to right injustices perceived,
not real, only dreamed,
and fall between the talons of the damned,
farthest away from God's Holy Hand.

be sharp

2006-12-04T19:54:00.000-07:00

If I were you and you were me would we still disagree and fall victim to our insecurities?

pots

2006-11-27T22:26:00.001-07:00

This passion has burned
and in sadness I come up
the path of the wounded
to ask you my bleeding to stop

Devotion renewed
put a stop to this madness
released from this prison
freedom restored to my soul

unchecked and unbounded

2006-10-30T18:28:00.000-07:00

The joy I feel in the light on this presence transcends the night of this existence it takes me to a higher plane seen by few and of unknown name for the words of our world are too crude to do justice to this place that is a first step for beginners and a second chance for sinners everyone on equal ground both those blessed to heaven or damned to hell share secrets hoarded from times beyond tell and everyone is at very least content with him or her self no need to gaze upon shattered pieces of a life once whole not to be repeated till Jesus come or Demon-fall or just maybe never at all who can tell for what need this place is in essence that which everyone dreams wisping and wicking tendrils of mist mingling with dancing and flicking fingers of flame that burn within the hearts and souls of some young and some old for youth is quick to forget while age begets the time for remembrance but not always the ability to regain that forlorn nobility and yet all should ever gaze forward toward distant land for there is always the horizon and an unseen sands to beach the jetty for short whiles and explore the misty forest for miles then back to the pitch and roll of the seas that inspires countless dreams.

I'm still bleeding...

2006-10-02T22:21:00.000-06:00

Bandaged and bleeding
stitched and still seeping
these wounds won't go away with a kiss
or a statement of forgiveness

more than my body was bruised
more than my heart was broken
my eternal soul was shattered
my reason to live destroyed

I committed no crime
showed you no sin
still you passed judgement
sentenced me to a life devoid of you

They say "Time heals all",
but if it stands still,
will we die?

fearwithin

2006-09-25T23:26:00.000-06:00

Come into my nightmare
I promise you'll be safe from me
for the only thing you should be scared of
is hiding within yourself
waiting to burst out

made in somniac

2006-09-19T21:59:00.000-06:00

everyone needs to re-focus, re-center themselves from time to time in the 'real world' (rw). what continually surprises me is that people naively believe that since this is the 'virtual world'(vw), rw rules don't apply.

**huh??!?**

so that means we don't need to take a break? we are to put our daily lives on hold to feed the gaping maw and voracious appetite of the collective insanity?

**shudder**

the vw is a by-product of the rw. always has been. always will be. it's just now, with the added and continual (and mind-boggling speed of) advent of technology, we are able to share a visualization of our personal delerium. put your mind in the 19th century. do you know what they'd do to someone like us if they could see into our minds like we allow today? they'd knock holes in your forehead and temples, or shove a wire up your nose and lobotomize you. you'd be catatonic, but cured.

**weird**

and that's just it. it is weird. but that's okay. weird is the norm in the vw. but it's not the norm in the rw.... at least it's not accepted as the norm in the rw. so why should the norm in the vw be held to the same rules as that of the rw?

(because!)

not good enough. we use computers as tools of expression. they are a means to an end. they are tireless machines built by walking meat-bags to accomplish what they cannot because they need sleep, whereas a simple machine goes until it is shut down or outdated.

(what are you trying to say?)

I don't really know. I'm tired, quite sore, restless and uncreative. It's not up to me to analyze, only to write. Draw your own conclusions; I'm going to bed.

ambient

2006-09-14T22:04:00.000-06:00

Welcome to your addiction

2006-08-29T21:44:00.000-06:00

Once

2006-08-20T00:47:00.000-06:00

I prayed for wisdom,
God said "Wait," and taught me patience.

I prayed for wisdom when I had grown a little older,
God said "Wait," and helped me through school.

I prayed for wisdom once,
God said "Wait," and opened my eyes to the world around me.

I prayed for wisdom,
God said "Wait," and revealed the joy of music.

Again I prayed for wisdom,
God said "Wait," and gave me friends.

As I grew older,
I prayed for wisdom many times,
and each time, God said "Wait,"
and gave me first one job, then another,
followed by many others.

Then one night as I was praying,
God asked me,
"Would you like some more wisdom tonight?"

He's a sneaky dude sometimes.

the chase

2006-08-16T09:21:00.000-06:00

To the uninspired, the muse becomes
as elusive as the wounded hart,
revealing itself only at inopportune times,
leaving behind just enough of itself
to encourage the chase.

She is the last fleeting dream
before awakening to a grey dawn,
tantalizing the memory by standing
firmly just beyond thought's grasp and
wisping away just before an outstretched
finger of remembrance can touch it.

The uninspired chase the muse as
the Inspector chases the dragon while
searching for what they perceive to be
the means to a common end;
for one, creation;
the other, destruction;
for both, fulfillment.
Completion.
A mediocre finale to a
misbehaved childhood,
mischievous adolescence
and misspent adult life.

The chase claims many,
too many of the good and potentially great,
not enough of the rest.
It wreaks havoc,
wrecks minds,
tortures souls,
disfigures character,
and sometimes,
sometimes,
destroys -
completely, utterly -

destroys.

Bored? Me too

2006-08-08T23:46:00.000-06:00

Words I've heard over the past week[ish]:

Hey, it's ain't like he's dead.

That's gonna leave an awesome scar.

You can kiss my left nut.

I aim to misbehave.

How many stitches??!?

Marriage is an institution... AND you have to be committed to it. If that doesn't sounds like a nuthouse to you, you should be in one.

Where would I be without Post-It notes?

Don't sweat petty things and don't pet sweaty things.

Disappointment just means your standards are too high.

I'm bored and uncreative right now... get over it.

Hey! You get pregnant! Look too long!

Thoughts abound

2006-08-01T17:33:00.000-06:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking recently, mostly about fame vs the relative obscurity I currently live in. I'll do a post about it a little later. Right now, I wanna vent about the recent bad luck that's happened to me.

Incident 1:

I took a week off work to be a counselor at my old camp. It's always been fun, and this year was no different. But in the course of the week, I managed to pinch a nerve in my neck. How? I dunno... maybe throwing the kids into the lake for 2 hours a day, every day... but that's speculation. So I was off work for another 2 weeks after camp trying to rehab my shoulders and getting my neck cracked.

Finally worked, and my first day back at work (today)....

Incident 2:

I was pounding rebar, when the sledge hit with the edge and slipped off the bar, slicing my finger rather deeply (6 stitches deeply, actually). So now I'm off work again.

I'm not happy.

in the midst of all this, there is the added stress of finding work for the fall so that I can afford to move back to Edmonton, finding a place to stay in Edmonton until I can move into my friend's house, and family issues that I'll never discuss in this space.

typing with a splinted finger sucks.

did you know...? One year ago, I almost took off my hand with a chainsaw.

True story.

Wish it wasn't.

Who are you?

2006-07-27T17:39:00.000-06:00

It's hard to sleep
when thoughts of you
keep running through my brain.

It's hard to work
when all I want to do
is walk away and be with you.

It's hard to make music
when what I want to hold
isn't my guitar, but you.

It's hard to write
when when my creativity
is pushed aside by my longing for you.

But who are you?

It was late

2006-07-25T13:50:00.000-06:00

had a run in with the devil last night
he told me to watch out for the ninja lady
then he smiled
turned into a bug
morphed into a bat
and vanished

the ninja lady came a little while later
she had nice eyes
bright clear and shiny as the stars
she held ready in her hands
then she smiled at me
(odd)
at least I think she smiled
cuz her mask lifted around her cheekbones
and her eyes squinted a little

but maybe she was just trying to tell me something
I don't really know
but she had nice eyes

Anti Zero

Show Me a Man

Raw Closure

Damn

Bad Movies

Old Bandages

Bedtime Story

I wish I could say I don't miss you

A rollercoaster week

Dust

Memory Serves

Mind's Eyes (pt I)

You Are Here

Losing Control

Love Metaphors (pt II)

Love Metaphors (pt I)

Scabs

An Outstretched Hand

Choose joy

such love, so true

Smurf You

Crapsticks

Sunday was a Failure

Some recent thoughts...

Always

Love

A Tangent; or, Forget Fading

A Question; or, Big-Top Insanity

Let it rage

Davidian Heart

27 and Counting

Barely a fool

Openness

Love Poetry

A Quickening

Petulance

Heart

Infrequent update time!

Commando

So stupid, it might just work...

a dream

Syncopated Abandon

Scratch Pad Musing

Now I Know (pt III)

Now I Know (pt II)

Now I Know (pt I)

Fighting Awake

Rising Moonlight

End it already

The Blessed

It's the little things...

sin

Betrayal

Head of the Road

hooded ancients

Euro 2008

What to say?

Just cuz it's funny

Somewhere not called "home"

all-or-nothing

Splitsville, baby

The Grey

Well, hey.

I'm in a bad mood

A dream

Stall

Scraps

Forget body language and hints, just say it already

So Long

Randomizer - Engage!

Even Jesus Cried

13 degrees and cloudy

But

A Reflection, Pt. IV

One Month Apart

..heh...

No

what??!?

P/R

For those who care...